Behind the Face of an Angel
by febronia
Summary: (Xenosaga) Jr. tries to deal with his past and learns to face the future. Short angsty fic. [complete]
1. Darkness Bleeds

Author's notes:  
  
I don't own Xenosaga or any of the characters, blahblahblah and all that disclaimer stuff  
yes, I know chaos is associated with angels, but Jr. is my hero and _my_ angel :)  
a few details differ from the game... just exercising my artistic licence  
  
thank you for reading!  
  
=====  
  
  
Xenosaga: Behind the Face of an Angel.  
  
Chapter One: Darkness Bleeds  
_  
The light is failing now.  
  
Darkness is coming.  
  
It's the same every time.  
  
This symphony of misery.  
  
Over the wailing of human voices and bursting gunfire it rises. A white flame without heat. Yet, it consumes everything. It touches us all. I can feel it in the back of my mind. A numbing throb that is growing stronger and stronger, threatening to destroy me. I feel my resolve shatter. The fear is rising inside me just as the white flame of U-DO is rising above the crumbling landscape.  
  
In the distance I see the butchers of the living. I watch helplessly as they turn their guns on fleeing civilians and then on each other. They don't even know who they are. They don't even know what they are doing. I see the madness distort their faces. My face. Hundreds of me running crazed through the streets of Miltia.  
  
Then... out of the rubble emerges one I claim as dearest above all. He calls out for me. His mind is desperately searching for my presence, afraid that I, too, have succumbed to the chaos. Nigredo. You and I are the last. But there is yet another. He's coming for us now.  
  
It's the same every time.  
  
My fear turns to panic... _  
  
I wake up with a start, my clothes drenched in sweat. For a second I forget where I am. My mind is still trapped in the nightmare. Trapped in Miltia. But sounds of war quickly fade leaving the silence of the room behind. I blink into the darkness, listening to the pounding of my heart and wondering about the past. Miltia City. I can see it in my mind, glittering in the midday sun, teeming with life and promise. I called it home, although only real people had homes. We're a long way from there now, and a long time has passed, but it seems like yesterday... The feeling of loss has not lessened over the years. My throat immediately closes up at the memory. Smoke and ashes. Ashes and smoke. It was all burned to the ground. Nothing and no one left.  
  
_Except the guilty._   
  
I roll over in bed and hit my pillow angrily. It's useless. I can't relax. Every nerve in my body is humming . My fingers itch for a fight. I hate myself when I get like this. Nothing satisfies the ache inside except to feed the pain with more pain. It's too late for any carousing in the streets and too early to walk the decks of the Durandal in search of trouble. But if I stay... if I close my eyes, the past comes back to torment me. I run my hands through my hair and tug, but it doesn't relieve the pressure building inside my skull. Lately, not even Gaignun's words can reach me. Nothing penetrates the anger. I remind myself that somebody has to do the fighting. How else will the innocent be protected.  
  
I sneer at myself and throw an arm across my face. Are my motives that heroic? Do I really believe the crap I perpetuate? Those children... I didn't protect them. I was afraid of them. Sometimes I fool myself into believing that saving one out of hundreds makes me less of a murderer. I have struggled these long years to keep him that I saved from the taint of my mistake. I protected him and softened the blows that life dealt. I made sure he didn't have to suffer for who he was... a survivor. The one who was granted life while the rest died.   
  
Nigredo.  
  
I tried to give him the kind of life I could never have. I hoped, in time, he would forget about war and death, and someday find peace. And then he surprised me and became a man who had more strength and integrity than I ever did. The one I saved then became the one who protected me, letting me live the lie of a child. Entombed alive in this body, I continue to project innocence and hide the heart that is impure. It is a burden that I must bear to atone for the ones who would never live to grow old. _Nigredo, I hope your nights are more peaceful than mine. What do the guiltless dream about? When they aren't haunted by the faces of angels.  
_  
I sigh and lie back down, waiting out the hours until morning comes. I can't go back to sleep. I won't. There is too much to think about and I can't be distracted at a time like this. We may have destroyed Proto Merkabah, but we have only delayed the war. I can never escape this. I will have to fight when the time comes. It seems like there is always darkness around me. Even in the light of day, the darkness bleeds into every corner, every thought, every longing until there is no difference between the waking and the dreaming...  
  
  
=====  
why Jr. is special: Jr. was just one out of many U.R.T.V.s, but he was somehow more individual than the others, which explains to me why he reacted differently to the crises--to me, Jr. is a mutation on top of a mutation. He was consciously able to break the link--in essence, defy his basic (I'm not so sure the other U.R.T.V.s ever even considered such a thing and probably would have just allowed themselves to become infected rather than choose self-preservation).  
  
about Jr.'s age: during the Miltian Conflict, Jr. witnessed Realians and U.R.T.V.s becoming infected by U-DO--it was then that he became afraid and broke his telepathic link from the others--this weakened their powers to resist and counter U-DO. On top of that, Jr. lost control of his power and released it onto both the innocent and infected, killing everyone around him. Here is where my story differs from the game: according to what I have read out there about Jr.'s age suppression, this expenditure of energy was huge and stunted his growth which is sorta proven when Jr. used his powers to bind that charm together for MOMO. He said to her that it tires him out afterwards, but then I think, woah, there, that was just a little nothing-no-big-deal use of your powers--what about when you fought Albedo and all that flashy light shot out from you??? What happened then? Why weren't you tired after that? Yeah, so I don't buy it completely. The Jr. in my story chooses to remain the same age and it has nothing to do with losing energy.  



	2. Between the Man and the Child

Chapter Two: The Difference Between the Man and the Child   
  
Gaignun shifts in his chair, unfolding long limbs in his usual graceful manner. He's dressed in a flattering blue suit, in the Kukai fashion that has become popular everywhere. He looks like a man who has everything, and yet, is unspoiled by what he has. His manner is both reserved and friendly; both cautious and generous. Every move he makes is deliberate. Every word he speaks is intended for one effect. To disarm the listener. To strike where they are the weakest. I've seen him at work. Hell, I've been a victim of his sorcery once or twice. I've watched him break even the most disciplined mind. He is a master at unraveling secrets, but he is perhaps the greatest secret of them all. I often wonder if anyone could ever touch a man like him. A man who knows what's inside your heart even before you know it yourself.  
  
As we sit in his office facing each other in our customary standoffish way, the similarities in our features are easy to spot. The difference in attitude, though, is like night and day. My legs are already twitching, but I fight the temptation to get up and pace the length of the room. Besides my limited patience, I have innumerable bad habits and no desire to curb them. My language needs cleaning up and my temper needs cooling down. Gaignun would say, perhaps, the most aggravating thing about me is my tendency to shoot first and ask questions later. He has a backlog of complaints from all over the sector to sift through thanks to me. The way I see it, my day is not complete without annoying Gaignun. Although, it's far too easy sometimes.  
  
Gaignun is wearing his usual mask of boredom. His handsome features never betray the slightest thought, but I know him better than anyone. He's watching me closely, trying to assess my current mood. Am I as fit as I say I am, or am I hiding something? I might know him better than anyone; but, unfortunately, it works both ways. He can sense when I'm not being up front with him in half a heart beat.  
  
You haven't been sleeping, he states, flatly.  
  
I'll deal with it, I reply, casually, turning my attention to the scene outside his window. _The weather is nice today. The weather is always nice here, even when it rains, but today the sun almost feels real.  
_  
You've been _dealing_ with a lot these days. Mary can complete this mission on her own. You could use some time off.  
  
You're dismissing me? You know there's nothing I can't handle.  
  
He raises an eyebrow in that infuriatingly patient way of his and sighs. Of course. I wasn't referring to anything of the sort. I only thought that you might want to pass on this operation. It's nothing important, anyway. I was thinking of saving you the boredom.  
  
I smirk, restlessly tapping my fingers on the the arm of my chair. The best thing for me right now is to focus on work. Get my mind off things. I'll retrieve that stolen shipment and be back in no time.  
  
Hmm, so you do admit that something has been bothering you?  
  
I turn to glare at Gaignun and abruptly get to my feet. What is it with everyone lately? I feel like I'm living under a microscope. Everyone keeps asking me how I am.  
  
Gaignun stops me with those soothing tones of his. The ones he uses to pacify and hypnotize. _Albedo..._ An image springs sharply to mind. A flash of silver. I shake my head at Gaignun, filled with disgust.  
  
Don't say that name. Not out loud and not in my _head_.  
  
If all is well as you say, then why get so defensive over someone who means so little?  
  
Damn you, Gaignun, stop twisting things around. He doesn't mean anything to me and I certainly don't worry about him. I could kill him right now without hesitation.  
  
I am angry. Furious. Gaignun should know better. I can't even stomach the thought of that _creep_. He shouldn't have said that name.  
  
Gaignun looks sad and weary. He is quiet for a while, remembering something. His expression is serious suddenly. There is a hard glint in his eyes that seldom see. This is the man who carries the scars of battle. This is the man who learned as a child that sacrifices are never easy. As he speaks, it is without anger or bitterness, making me regret my selfish outburst.  
  
When you came back from Proto Merkabah, you were different. Something changed. You even walked differently. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I think I understand now. I worried that you lost part of yourself back there, but now I see it's purpose that drives you. So much so, that you're forgetting to hide behind pretense and you've been showing your true age. All your thoughts and energies are being diverted to one goal. You want to finish him off that badly?   
  
I cross my arms in front of me and lower my eyes to the floor. I wasn't about to argue with him. He read me too clearly. To deny his words would be to lie to myself. I did feel older. At least, I felt more the age I should be. I didn't know if I was more mad at Gaignun for guessing the truth, or myself for letting that _lunatic_ affect me this way. That _bastard_ whose name I can't stand to hear.  
  
I slowly raise my eyes and look across the room at Gaignun. His eyes were a deep shade of green, more welcoming than my bristling blue and his hair was coal black unlike my fiery red, but we were essentially the same. In Gaignun, I could see myself as a man. I wonder how similar our dispositions would be if I had chosen a different route. If I had grown up. Would my volatile nature have mellowed? Would I have learned to still the rage that sometimes clouds all reason. Gaignun smiles sadly at me and for the first time, I realize how painful a reminder my own face must be to him. I am the living memory of the ones we lost. And here I thought, I was only hurting myself.  
  
_Selfish Rubedo.  
  
_Would there be no redemption for me, after all this time? No grace or quiet dignity bestowed to me like what was given Gaignun? No, that is not fair. Nothing was ever given freely. It was all hard won and without complaint. This is what makes Gaignun the better man. This is the difference between us and the reason why the years have not left their mark on me mentally and emotionally. I haven't accepted who I am. I might have boldly gone through life and I might have recklessly faced all kinds of challenges, but it's all been a distraction to keep me from looking too deep inside... at the man within the child. The man who is _still_ a child at the very core and as such, still believes there are monsters in the closet.  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
Gaignun is startled by my apology. For what?  
  
For being such a jerk lately.  
  
You're too hard on yourself. You have nothing to prove to anyone here. I wish you would try to remember that.  
  
  
  
I am right, aren't I? You're ready to change?  
  
It's already started, I admit, unable to look him in the eye. You can't tell anyone.  
  
Gaignun's expression reveals nothing, but I can sense that he doesn't like keeping this quiet. He gets to his feet and comes around the desk to clasp my shoulder in the fatherly way that I hate.  
  
People are bound to notice.  
  
Let them notice.  
  
Gaignun is laughing quietly. I see.  
  
What did I say?  
  
Nothing. I was thinking of a certain someone who might find the changes quite acceptable.  
  
Who are you talking... Hmph, never mind. I don't want to know.  
  
He's laughing louder now.  
  
I glare at him and turn away. Well as long as you're not worried about me anymore, I'll be on my way.  
  
You're still going?  
  
It may be a run-of-the-mill operation, but it's _infinitely_ more interesting than hanging around here.  
  
Gaignun chuckles and shows me to the door. Just like that, we've resolved our differences. He lets me go with no more than a note of warning. As always, it's not what Gaignun says, or even what you tell him. The real meaning is hidden behind the words, in your reactions and your hesitations. I know I have probably given him enough information to mull over for a week. I walk out of his office feeling as if this was just the beginning of many more encounters to come. Gaignun's ever watchful eye follows me to the elevator. _Return safely, Rubedo. _I nod at him as the doors slide shut. _Nigredo. You know I always do._


	3. The Dead Beside the Living

Chapter Three: The Dead Beside the Living  
  
I'm drifting.  
_  
Where am I?_  
  
Space.  
_  
I'm drifting in space._  
  
A memory surfaces._  
  
That explosion. It knocked me out cold. Where the hell are the others?   
_  
The controls in the A.G.W.S. won't respond. I can't sense anything in front of me. As far as I can tell, the darkness stretches on forever. It sends a shiver down my spine. _Where are the stars?_ I try to move but I've received too much damage. The only thing working is life support. I suppose I should be lucky.  
_  
Damn, but this stinks._  
  
I can feel slight tremors and the sound of scraping metal reaches my ears. _More explosions._ For a moment I think I'm moving, but it's not me. The shadows are shifting. Suddenly a light appears at the edges. It spreads across the darkness to reveal the shredded belly of the wreckage I was inspecting. My jaw drops in awe.   
_  
I should be dead. _  
  
The ship is a mangled mess.   
  
But my eyes are strangely drawn to the stars beyond the gaping hole. The sight is simply... amazing. For a split second, time completely stops and I am free to savour this moment.  
  
Alone.  
_  
Is there anyone left?_  
  
Only static over the line.  
_  
Do they think I'm dead?_  
  
Another explosion. This one is even closer than the others. Tremors ripple through the wreckage. _Mary, where are you? Please be safe.  
_  
A memory of a long forgotten conversation quietly enters my thoughts. At first, I can't remember who is speaking or even when this conversation took place. The memory feels like a dream, except the words are so clear...  
_  
You can't live in the past, Jr._  
  
You don't know me, then, do you. I live in the past _every day._ I _am_ the past.  
_  
Does it make you feel better?_  
  
That's not the point.  
_  
Because there is no point._  
  
Yes, there is. It's a very important point. You couldn't understand.  
_  
What it means to lose something? Don't you think I know how that feels?_  
  
It's not the same.  
_  
Yes it is._  
  
You didn't kill them.  
_  
Didn't I? They died because I existed_.  
  
It's not the same. Albedo killed them.  
_  
It is the same. Albedo killed those U.R.T.V.s._  
  
It was me.  
_  
It was you who survived._  
  
They all fell because I was scared... I severed the link...  
_  
And if you didn't, you'd be dead, too. And who would have saved Nigredo?_  
  
Momo.  
  
I remember now. It was shortly after we defeated Proto Merkabah, the place of her birth. She had her own demons to slay, yet she came and sat with me and tried to cheer me up. Me, the one who vowed to save her from that madman and failed. Miserably.  
_  
Momo._  
  
You're too kind for your own good. I tried to hide the truth from you. I knew it was useless when I looked into your eyes. You'd seen into that lunatic's mind. You saw what I did. And still, you chose to believe in the goodness. You don't see the monster behind this face. To you, I am innocent. Pure. I don't deserve such faith, but I am grateful.  
  
My eye lids feel heavy and there is now a chill in the air. I waver between consciousness and sleep, losing all sense of time. How long have I been trapped like this? A nagging voice inside me wonders how much longer before panic sets in.  
_  
Coward._  
  
No.  
  
I refuse to listen.  
  
I grit my teeth and concentrate on my breathing. In the emptiness of space, the sound is loud to my ears, but it's strangely comforting. It helps my mind separate the living from the dead. The present from the past. I'm still here, I tell myself, as the stars lose their shape and become nothing but a blur in front of me.  
  
The faces of those I left behind flash before my eyes. They are as they were before madness took them. Innocent children. Beautiful and powerful. We lived in perfect balance with each other. We were _complete_. A race unto ourselves. There was nothing in the universe like us and there never will be again. Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear laughter and cringe inwardly. _Damn this waiting. It can't end like this. I have a score to settle.  
_  
Buzzing.  
  
The communication line suddenly comes back to life with a few high-pitched squeals.  
  
Little master!  
  
I open my eyes as a shadow blocks my view.  
_  
Mary._  
  
Little master! Are you all right? Her voice is shaking. I must look worse than I thought. Hold on, we're bringing the ship around.  
  
I'm not going anywhere, I tell her, my perverse sense of humour kicking in. As she comes closer, I notice that her own A.G.W.S. is badly damaged as well, yet, she's by my side, fussing over me without a second thought to her own safety. Silly girl. You're that worried about me? You don't even notice that you're about to fall apart.  
  
When you didn't respond after that explosion hit... I thought the worst, she says, quickly inspecting my A.G.W.S. for damage. Her tone as she speaks is one of great relief, but there is panic in her blue eyes. She avoids looking directly at me and for a moment I wonder if she is capable of crying.   
  
I wanted to come right away, but we had to deal with those thieving pirates. You know desperate times are here when you're fighting a bunch of mangy scavengers. They might have had a crude weapons system, but they sure were persistent. Still nothing we couldn't handle, mind you. We found the stolen shipment and chased them off. I'm sorry we took so long. I really was scared for you, little master.  
  
I listen to her ramble on, amused by her concern. She always talked when she was worried or nervous. It was one of her many charms. Who would have guessed that she wasn't human, but she was real enough to me.  
  
Little master? Please say something. You're making me nervous.  
  
Sorry, Mary. I was just thinking, I like the sound of your voice.  
  
She is suddenly very still. I start to laugh.  
  
What a time to be making compliments, honestly! she snaps. Will I ever hear another nice thing from you once you're out of danger, I wonder?  
  
I chuckle as she grabs hold of my shoulders and heaves me out of the wreckage. Our ship looms silently above, like a whale in a calm sea. I survey the aftermath of the storm as we drift towards the opening bay doors. Fires here and there, quietly burning themselves out. Scraps of twisted metal floating all around and larger chunks of what was formally another vessel. By a shred of luck, I was not part of the wreck. It seems I have been spared again. This time, I accepted my reprieve without hesitation. There were too many things left unfinished. I remembered a promise I made to a little girl. I've been such a selfish bastard, thinking only of my revenge. Where is she now, I wonder. The one who tried so hard to show me forgiveness.  
  
Momo.  
  
Do you still think of me?  
  
  
=====  
the ship they are using is not the Durandal. I'm assuming they used a smaller ship since this is was supposed to be a simple retrieval operation. That's why it wasn't that easy fighting off the bad guys.  
Mary is a Realian, but it's not clear what her original function was before she was rescued by Gaignun, or even what her physical make up is, so I just decided to make her the synthetic type, hence the crying statement. Jr.'s feelings for Mary is a nice contrast to his feelings for Momo, as will be seen later  
MOMO is simply written as Momo, because it looks annoying to see MOMO all the time and also, Momo is more human which is how Jr. thinks of her  
  



	4. Madmen and Monsters

Chapter Four: Madmen and Monsters  
_  
Smoke.  
  
Everywhere I turn there's smoke. Can't see where I'm going. Have to hurry. Have to hurry and find...   
  
Missing...   
  
Someone's missing. Who? Where is this? Miltia? No. Different. Different than Miltia. Nobody but me here.  
  
Wait.  
  
Somebody else here, too... Somebody laughing. I feel like...   
  
Killing.  
  
Rubedo. Come get me. I'm waiting...  
  
Shut up! I'll kill you. I swear.  
  
Little red-haired, Rubedo. You really should learn to control that temper...  
  
Where are you?! Albedo!!! Show yourself!  
  
I'm right here...  
  
The smoke clears. Silver hair. Cruel smile. There's someone else... someone in his arms.  
  
Do you see, Rubedo? Do you see what you couldn't prevent?  
  
Momo...  
  
She was such a good little girl. Didn't even scream once... pity.  
  
Momo...  
  
She was so sweet.  
  
No.  
  
No...  
  
NO!!!  
_  
My screams are swallowed in the waking, absorbed into my shaking body. Convulsions. I feel like throwing up. Fucking nightmares. No matter how many times I have them, I can't get used to them. God, that one was the worst yet.  
  
It's hours before my hands stop shaking. So angry. I want to break something. Badly. Like the neck of a certain white-haired freak. Shit, I'm even scaring myself, now. Got to calm down. Got to breathe. Before I burst a vein. Or two.  
  
After my pulse returns somewhat to normal, I kick the sheets off and roll out of bed. As always, the energy in my system is spiking off the meter. I could almost bounce off the walls. Can't stay still, no matter how many stupid lessons in meditation I take. So I pace. There's a nice pattern worn into the carpet to show for my efforts.  
  
It is getting worse. Before this aging thing, when I held back time, I could keep the energy bottled up. I just appeared to be nothing more than a hyper-active kid in everyone's eyes. But now... now that I'm letting time move forward, my powers are fluctuating, getting out of control... getting stronger. I realize, suddenly, that I might be moving too fast. I don't know exactly what a normal rate of growth is.  
  
It's been weeks since we came back from that nearly fatal operation, the one that damaged my A.G.W.S. for good. Mary was nice enough to come with me to the scrap yard for a final farewell. We watched in silence as the machines compressed it into a neat little bundle and then along it went into the furnace to be melted down and made into something new and improved, no doubt. It was about time I got a new toy to play with, anyway. Still, I realize that starting over was something I needed. This new perspective of mine was damn infuriating at times, though. I can't believe that I'm actually finding myself agreeing with Gaignun more. He even approved of the way I've been _maturing._ I almost choked when he used that word. It doesn't seem _natural.  
_  
The days have been quiet lately. News of disputes always infiltrate the peaceful atmosphere here, but for the most part, Kukai and all things related remain unaffected. Even though large portions of the Foundation are still under construction from the last Gnosis attack, the economy hasn't suffered too much of a blow. It's never easy to accept loss, but slowly and surely, life always returns to fill the streets with smiles and laughter.  
  
Often, these days, I think about her. I wonder what she's doing and where she's going. Who she's sharing her smiles with. The last I heard, Shion and her brother had taken her halfway across the galaxy to Vector. Something about that cyborg guardian of hers. And of course, she wanted to be closer to her mother. I hope that those two will finally resolve things, but somehow, I doubt it. The heart of the child wants only to be loved, but what happens when the parent is afraid of the child? I hope for her sake that she never knows how her mother feels. It would crush her. She's still mourning the loss of her father. Not his death, exactly, but the realization of what he really was. A monster. And a madman. She worshipped him. She loved him. It seems she will always attract these types. Because of her purity.  
  
I scowl just thinking about such things. It makes me feel like a dirty old man. But it's not that way... I don't think of her that way. I don't know how I think of her, but it's not like that. _Damn it._ My thoughts never quite crystallize around her. They are always so indecisive. So random. Because she's a mystery. The child that was both a blessing and a curse. I know so well how she feels.  
  
The nightmare is still happening in the back of my mind. My hands clench into fists at my sides. Am I like those others? Am I a monster, too? Is that why I feel drawn to her? Because I'm darkness and she is light? But I don't want to hurt her. I only want to protect her. The way I protected Nigredo. She reminds me of him when he was younger. Both like birds with a broken wings. And when they fly away... it's almost worth the pain to watch them go.  
  
It's revenge that I'm nursing now. I can't think about her. When I'm done with my revenge, then maybe I will find the answers... But I know... I know the price of such a thing, revenge. I've been around long enough to know that even the purest of intentions is easily corrupted when vengeance is concerned. Who am I really doing all this for? My fallen brothers? Gaignun? Or her? Maybe it's myself. There is no hiding from that fact. I want that lunatic dead. But I can't let myself become obsessed. _He_ was obsessed. _He_ enjoyed making me suffer. I won't be like him. I won't enjoy killing him, but I can't help thinking that both of us might find some peace if one of us is dead.  
  
When morning comes, I shower and dress, then casually make my way to Gaignun's office to see what trouble I could scrounge up. There is nothing interesting happening _anywhere_. It puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I spend the morning down by the shops sniffing out potential A.G.W.S. There's a new model from Vector that is quite promising. The price tag alone will be sure to raise Gaignun's eyebrows. Afterwards, I decide to swing by the docking area and my mood lightens a bit to see the Elsa. Tony and Hammer greeted me with their usual boisterous charm. Underneath the rough edges they are good guys. It amuses me to hear about their crazy adventures, especially the way Tony relates them. He likes to see how uncomfortable he can make me with his lurid storytelling, but he doesn't know that I'm not the innocent I appear to be.  
  
It's late afternoon when I finally get back to my quarters. The first thing I notice when I enter is the light on the viewscreen. It's blinking with more urgency than usual. Call it sixth sense or paranoia... whatever the message was, it couldn't be good news. I toss my coat on the bed and stand with my back to the blinking light, pretending not to care. For a few minutes, I busy myself with straightening the clutter on the table in front of me. Holograms, catalogs, and dusty bits of archaic treasure dug up centuries ago... all junk. After a while, my fingers still and I drop what I had been polishing. I sigh and turn around.  
  
_Fine. You stupid light. I'll see what you want._  
  
The viewscreen flashes on and I'm greeted by the familiar chimes of Kukai's communication network. I waste no time pulling up a list of new messages and quickly scan through, noting, with a wry smile, the number of advertisements I had received. _Quick mental note: have filters readjusted. _Then I see it. The message that I had been waiting for. The message that made me both anxious and excited. With an unsteady hand, I click play and watch the recording, the nervousness in the pit of my stomach intensifying by the second. The message had been made two hours ago. I was down at the dock two hours ago. Was it pure luck that made me miss her arrival? As the message ends, I find myself struggling to decide what to do. I knew what I should do, but I couldn't quite work up the courage to do it. So I sit numbly on the edge of my bed, staring off into nothingness until I realize the sun is setting. Maybe it's a good thing. I hadn't been able to gather the right words together in all that time. I didn't know how to face her. I would try tomorrow. She would have to wait a little longer.  
  
  
=====  
The Dammerung, headquarters of Vector industries, came to the Foundation's aid when the Gnosis attacked. By the reactions of everyone in the game, it is clear that the Dammerung was not supposed to be there, so I assumed it returned to wherever it came from after the battle was over, which in my story, is halfway across the galaxy.  
  



	5. In the Dark Shines a Light

Chapter Five: In the Darkness Shines a Light  
  
The stars are winking at me. They seem to know the precariousness of my situation and are laughing. I haven't been able to relax since I saw her message. I took up pacing for the better part of the night until the confines of my room weren't enough to hold my agitation and then I took my pacing outside and ended up here, at Gaignun's beach, kicking up sand and letting the wind whip my hair into a wild mess. I was sure I looked possessed.  
  
It was useless. I couldn't ease the tension. The only thing to do was to face my fears. I nod at myself, recognizing defeat when I saw it. I let out a shaky sigh and search around for a seat. There's a lonely bench nearby. I walk over and sit and spend a good while beating the sand from my pant legs. How pathetic I've become. To run away from a little girl.  
  
A shadow falls across my view. The smell of cherry blossoms tickles my nose. I close my eyes, feeling my chest tighten. _Oh God, she's here._ I can't bear to look at her face. I'm too afraid of what I'll see. She sits quietly beside me on the bench and touches my hand hesitantly. I try not to flinch. Her little fingers curl around mine and draw my hand away. I haven't seen her for months and the distance I've been putting between us should make her touch feel like a stranger's, but it feels comfortable. It feels nice.  
  
I say, my voice surprisingly gentle for once. How did you know I was here?  
  
I'm a 100-series Observational Realian, she replies automatically, but there is a warmth behind her words. A hint of laughter. I turn to face her, startled by the discovery, and smile. She _was_ teasing me. Her golden eyes are sparkling and full of mischief.  
  
You're not mad?  
  
Mad? About what?  
  
I... I knew you arrived yesterday, but I didn't come see you.  
  
Why would I be mad? You were probably busy.  
  
No... I didn't... want to see you, Momo. Her fingers loosen around mine. I wince at my stupidity and grab her hand before she can hide it from me. That didn't come out right. I'm sorry. What I meant was... I wanted to see you, but I felt... I had no right to see you. I haven't exactly been there for you lately.  
  
She relaxes and leans closer to me and with that simple gesture, all the tension in my shoulders vanishes. I sigh and inwardly curse myself, wishing I wasn't so clumsy with words. Why couldn't I say the things I wanted to say? Why was it so hard.  
  
  
  
  
  
Why do you look so sad?  
  
I'm caught off guard. Damn. I'm not sad. I was just thinking about stuff.  
  
You had that look once before and you were sad that time. I thought it was the same.  
  
When did I ever...?  
  
I notice these things, she continues without debate. A faraway look enters her eyes.  
  
Hmph, now _you_ look sad, I tell her, gruffly.  
  
She grins and puts her head on my shoulder. I missed you.  
  
Caught off guard a second time. _Damn._ I fumble for a response, but come up empty. Why doesn't she yell at me, call me names? Berate me for neglecting her? This quiet acceptance... I don't know how to handle it. It makes me feel... inadequate. The only thing that I can do is put my arm around her.  
  
She feels so fragile. Far more fragile than a human. I can't help it. I picture her lying limp across that lunatic's lap and stiffen. A surge of pure rage jolts through me. I feel the hate coiling up inside my gut and quickly let go of Momo, afraid that I might somehow infect her with my hate. She lets out a gasp and wraps an arm around mine, preventing me from moving away.  
  
  
  
It's nothing.  
  
You always say that.  
  
It's nothing you should worry about, I clarify, sounding more harsh than I intended.  
  
I hear her sigh and straighten, letting go of my arm. I miss the nearness of her immediately, but I'm too scared to reach for her.  
  
Something is different about you, Jr. she says, looking down at her feet. Her voice is shy. Girlish. She sounds so young. You're leaving me behind... aren't you?  
_  
She knows._  
  
  
  
You don't have to explain. I think I understand. It's something you have to do. It's time... to move on. I knew you couldn't live in the past forever, no matter what you made yourself believe. I'm glad, though. Even though it means things will change... I'm glad that one of us can live and be normal.  
  
Her words feel like a stab in the chest.  
  
There's nothing normal about me, I tell her, running a hand through my already disheveled hair. It's got nothing to do with moving on. You give me too much credit, you know that? I'm just... trying to finish something. For once in my life... In any case, I'm not leaving you behind. Don't _ever_ think that, Momo.  
  
  
  
She smiles at me, expectantly, as if waiting for me to make a confession. Suddenly it's too much and the mask drops. I clutch her hand, looking away from those trusting eyes. When I speak, my voice is without that childish inflection that has become second nature. My voice is hard and cold and a little frightening coming from someone with a face like mine. The face of innocence. I gather up my courage, knowing what I had to say would bring her pain.  
  
  
_  
I wish things had turned out differently.  
_  
Momo, you and Gaignun... are the only ones who know... the real me. You know what I'm going to do next. You know why I have to go down that path, why it has to be me and not Gaignun or anyone else.  
  
But, Jr.--  
  
It has to be me. I was responsible for them, _all_ of them, and that makes me responsible for _him_... Albedo...  
  
Saying that name feels like swallowing razor blades. I shut my eyes tight, trying to keep out the memory of his face. Those feverish eyes. That cruel smile. But it's his laughter that breaks through my defenses. That mocking laughter. It would send a shiver down anyone's spine. I can feel Momo's eyes on me, scrutinizing every detail of my face the way Gaignun does, trying to analyze me from the inside out. I give her a crooked smile and continue.  
  
He and I, we're two sides of the same coin. What he started back on Miltia, I finished. It was because of us that all those people died. It will be by my hand that he is punished. And then, maybe, I'll finally be forgiven. But as long as he's alive, I'll never be able to rest... knowing... there's always the chance that he can hurt you... I can't let him ever get that close again. What happens to me means very little when your safety is concerned... Momo...  
  
I let go of her hand and stand, turning my back to her.  
_  
I know it's hard for you to hear this, but it's even harder for me to say..._  
  
That's why, Momo... you have to let me go... for now. You have to live your life and not think of me. Don't think of the terrible things I have to do. It would only make you sad.  
  
I feel like shit. I'm glad I'm not looking at her now. If I had to see her cry...  
  
In the following silence, the air feels thick with unspoken thoughts. I brace myself, expecting her to beg and plead and throw herself at me, the way a child throws a tantrum to get what they want, but nothing... There's a gnawing feeling in my stomach. She doesn't care enough...  
  
I try not to show my relief when she says my name. It won't work.  
_  
Hmm?_  
  
You forget who you're talking to.  
_  
Momo..._  
  
I can see inside of you.  
_  
Don't..._  
  
I know why you try so hard to keep everyone away.  
_  
Don't be so..._  
  
I still see it. You try not to show it, but I see it.  
_  
Forgiving.  
_  
You're good inside. You said that you and Albedo are two sides of the same coin. If he's the rotten side, that makes you the good side, doesn't it? Don't try to deny it. I made up my mind about you a long time ago.  
  
I hang my head, unable to argue with the simplicity of her logic.  
_  
Momo... why do I feel like smiling._  
  
She comes to stand at my side and hooks her arm with mine. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to see the acceptance in her eyes. I've pushed her away time and again, yet, she hangs on, refusing to give up. I've been impatient with her, insensitive and distant and she still finds reason to smile. I would call her naive, but I know she's more than that. She's seen too much destruction and heartache to ever be naive.  
_  
She's like..._  
  
The words fail me. I sigh and turn my face to the sun. It had risen ever so imperceptibly while we talked. One moment the stars were above our heads, the next, the sun was shining. _Looks like we're going to have nice weather today._ I know it's just a simulation, but the warmth of the sun on my face makes me believe it's real. Momo stirs beside me. She's also noticing the change in the environment. I purse my lips in concentration, trying once again to find the words...  
_  
She's like..._  
  
Long buried feelings begin to surface. Peace. Contentment. And even forgiveness. The anger will always be there, but somehow, it no longer consumes me. It no longer controls me. Because Momo...  
_  
She's like..._  
  
The warmth of the sun.  
  
So cleansing.  
  
So full of hope.  
  
She pushed away what darkness had been gathering in the depths of my soul. I smile, happy to have found the words at last. I couldn't say them to her yet. I wasn't that impetuous. _Or brave._ Perhaps, someday soon.  
  
  
  
  
  
It's not going to be easy watching me change.  
  
I feel her flinch. Just a little. She hides her hurt behind a generous smile, but I see through it. It would be too cruel to ask her to stay away, but it was even more cruel to keep her close while we drifted further and further apart in age. Still, I know what her answer will be. She would stick with me, through thick and thin. I didn't even have to ask.  
  
You might not like the person I become.  
  
Jr., I've seen you at your worst. You don't scare me.  
  
I laugh out loud, the suddenness of the laughter causing her to blush and look away. I quickly sober, thinking how nice it was to finally laugh again. It had been too long.  
  
Momo, you have to promise me something.  
  
  
  
Don't ever let me get too serious, OK? I don't want to turn out like Gaignun.  
  
The sound of her giggles puts me at ease.  
  
I promise.  
_  
And I promise to never doubt your belief in me. You've already given me back so much. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I can only protect you with my life and even that isn't enough. I don't know if I can ever make you happy, but I'll try never to make you sad.  
_  
We stand next to each other, absorbed in our own thoughts. Two old souls in the bodies of timid children. I don't know what the future will bring, what kind of happiness we can afford, but for now, I'm satisfied to stand here with her and let the warmth of the sun touch us both.  
  
The end.


End file.
